Monthly Archives: June 2010

How To Stop Church Gossip

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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s
only bar one after noon.

ATT000291 

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.


ATT000322 

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … walked home . . .and left it there all night.

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

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This story happened a while ago in Dublin
, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true
John Bradford, a Dublin
University student, was
on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and not a car went by. The storm was so strong
he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John,
desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
and closed the door…. only to realize there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn’t on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere
through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,
watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or
harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying…
and wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said
to the other….
Look Paddy….there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were
pushing it!!!!’

Phone Repair

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Lawrence , Kansas, December 12, 2008

A farm wife called the phone company to report her dog always  moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.
The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the phone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by

pissing and moaning.

Thought you’d like to know.

Mystery!!

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Solve  the mystery!!!

3  Ladies from
Minnesota


image001 
A detective  story 

So 
Pay  Close 
Attention!!!
…. 
Three  ladies are 
excited about  seeing 
their 
first  baseball  game… 
…. 
They 
smuggle  a bottle 
of

image002

into 
the ball  park. 
…….

The 
game  is very 
exciting



and 
they  enjoy  themselves 
immensely…


mixing 
Jack  Daniel’s with  their soft 
drinks.
……..!  
Soon  they 
realize that the bottle is almost empty  and the 
game still has a lot of innings to  go. 
……. 
Based on the  given 
information, what inning is it and how  many 
players are on  base? 

Now 
think!


Think 
some  more!!

You’re 
gonna  love this…. 



!
Answ er: 
It’s 
the  bottom of the fifth, and  the 
bags 
are  loaded! 

image004

Today’s Word

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Today’s word is…………….. Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one person in front of me, an Asian
woman who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She
asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two
hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it
change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian woman says, "Fluc you white people too"

Life’s Handbook 2010

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>>  Health:
>>    1.       Drink plenty of water.
>>    2.       Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner
>> like a beggar.
>>    3.       Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less
>> food that is manufactured in plants & has to be killed, bled, cured, aged,
>> smoked, fried, or frozen
>>    4.       Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
>>    5.       Make time to pray.
>>    6. Play more games. Feed the birds. Plant flowers or vegetables- even
>> in a pot.
>>    7.       Read more books than you did in 2009.
>>    8.       Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
>>    9.       Sleep for 7 hours.
>>  10.       Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile &
>> notice your surroundings, changes in nature every day, & listen to the
>> birds.
>>
>> Personality:
>>    11.    Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
>> journey is all about. Each person has their place in the scheme of life.
>>    12.    Don’t have negative thoughts of things you cannot control.
>> Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment – do what you can to
>> make the world around you better.
>>    13.    Don’t over do. Keep your limits. Physically, spiritually,
>> financially or emotionally.  Be humble.
>>    14.    Don’t take yourself too seriously.  No one else does.
>>    15.    Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
>>    16.   Dream more while you are awake.
>>    17.    Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
>>    18.    Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with
>> his/her mistakes of the past.  Don’t blame your parents for every problem you
>> have. That will ruin your present. We choose actions & reactions when we
>> become adults.
>>
>>
>>
>> Happiness.
>>
>>
>>    19.    Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate
>> others. It’s easier to understand and move on.
>>    20.    Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
>> Yesterday is gone and you have a limited number of tomorrows.
>>    21.    No one is in charge of your happiness except you. It’s your
>> choice to feel happy or miserable, anger or joy, frustration or acceptance,
>> jealousy or peace, shame or pride.
>>    22.    Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.
>> Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like
>> algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
>>    23.   Smile and laugh more.
>>    24.    You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
>>
>> Society:
>>    25.    Call your family often.
>>    26.    Each day give something good to others.
>>    27.   Forgive everyone for everything.
>>    28.    Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of
>> 6
>>    29.    Try to make at least three people smile each day.
>>    30.    What other people think of you is none of your business.
>>    31.    Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick.  Your
>> friends will.  Stay in touch.
>>
>>  Life:
>>    32.    Do the right thing!
>>    33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
>>    34.    God heals everything.
>>    35.    However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
>>    36.    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
>>    37.    The best is yet to come.
>>    38.    When you awake alive in the morning, thank God for it.
>>    39.    Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
>>
>>    Last but not the least:
>>    40.    Please forward this to everyone you care about – even if they
>> receive it many times, it will be a reminder on how to have a happy,
>> healthy spiritual life, to enjoy each moment we are granted, and how to live
>> free of conflict in harmony with others. 
>>
>>
>> We only share this earth for a short time – why waste it on hateful
>> thoughts and deeds when there is so much joy and happiness to discover.

Prayer

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A preacher said, "Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."  With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."  The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed.  He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don’t know.  It ain’t ’til next week.

Cowboy Boots

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        (Anyone  who has ever dressed a child will love this  one!)
        Did you hear  about the Texas teacher who was helping one of
         her kindergarten students put on his cowboy  boots?
        He asked for help and she could  see why….
        Even with  her pulling and him pushing, the little boots  still
        didn’t want to go on. By the time they got  the second boot on,
        she had worked up a  sweat.
        She almost  cried when the little boy said, ‘Teacher,  they’re
        on the wrong feet.’ She looked, and sure  enough, they were. It
        wasn’t any easier pulling  the boots off than it was putting
        them on. She  managed to keep her cool as together they worked
         to get the boots back on, this time on the right  feet..
        He then  announced, ‘These aren’t my  boots.’
        She bit her  tongue rather than get right in his face and
         scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so?’ like she wanted  to. Once
        again, she struggled to help him pull  the ill-fitting boots off
        his little feet. No  sooner had they gotten the boots off when
        he  said, ‘They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made  me wear ‘em.’
        Now she  didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she
         mustered up what grace and courage she had left  to wrestle the
        boots on his feet  again.
        Helping him  into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your
         mittens?’
        He said, ‘I  stuffed ‘em in the toes of my  boots.’

Blond’s Purchase

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Last year I replaced all the  windows in my house with that expensive
> double-pane energy efficient kind, and  today, I got a call from the contractor
> who installed them. He was complaining  that the work had been completed a
> whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for  them.
>
> Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
> automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
> told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
> Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
>
> There was only silence at the  other end of the line, so I finally just
> hung up. He never called back. I bet he  felt like an idiot.