Baptist Cowboy

Posted on August 30, 2010 by Judy Winter

A cowboy,
who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them,
he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.
The
bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at
a time."
The cowboy
replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our
home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for
each of my brothers and one for
myself."
The
bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.
The cowboy
becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three mugs and drinks them in
turn.
One day,
he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
loss."
The cowboy
looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes
and he laughs.
"Oh, no,
everybody’s just fine," he explains, "It’s just that my wife and
I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit
drinking."
"Hasn’t
affected my brothers though."

Never Assume

Posted on August 24, 2010 by Judy Winter

We all need a little humor to get us through the day………

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’..
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’
‘Why?’ asked the pilot.
‘Because I’m a photographer for CNN’, he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.’
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’

"Life is short. Drink the good wine first"

When Love Fades

Posted on August 24, 2010 by Judy Winter

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen
"What would you like for dinner my Love?… Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I’ll have chicken."
She replied "You’re having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."

KIDS IN CHURCH

Posted on August 20, 2010 by Judy Winter

> 3-year-old Reese :
> ‘ Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
> Harold is His name.
> Amen. ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A little boy was overheard praying:
> ‘ Lord, if you can ‘ t make me a better boy, don ‘ t worry about it.
> I ‘ m having a real good time like I am.. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
> the way home in the back seat of the car.
> His father asked him three times what was wrong.
> Finally, the boy replied,
> ‘ That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and
> I wanted to stay with you guys. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> One particular four-year-old prayed,
> ‘ And forgive us our trash baskets
> as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
> church service, ‘ And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? ‘
> One bright little girl replied,
> ‘ Because people are sleeping. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
> The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
> Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
> ‘ If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘ Let my brother have the
> first pancake, I can wait. ‘
> Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ‘ Ryan , you be Jesus !
> ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
> ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
> seagull lay dead in the sand.
> ‘ Daddy, what happened to him? ‘ the sonasked..
> ‘ He died and went to Heaven, ‘ the Dad replied.
> The boy thought a moment and then said, ‘ Did God throw him back down?
> ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A wife invited some people to dinner.
> At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, ‘
> Would you like to say the blessing? ‘
> ‘ I wouldn ‘ t know what to say, ‘ the girl replied.
> ‘ Just say what you hear Mommy say, ‘ the wife answered..
> The daughter bowed her head and said,
> ‘ Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t Mess with Old People

Posted on August 20, 2010 by Judy Winter

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Today’s Jokes

Posted on August 19, 2010 by Judy Winter

LIFE AFTER DEATH

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THAT EXPLAIN’S EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS SAID "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS’ HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON’T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN’S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN’S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG O F PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT’S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON’T PAY FOR ME DADDY I’M UNDER FIVE."
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER’S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL… HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I’M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON’T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED….. "I REMEMBER!!"
GRANDMA’S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

The Rancher’s Wife

Posted on August 13, 2010 by Judy Winter

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and

determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it,

and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be better to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand,

"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.
Two o’clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my tights."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired."

(P.S. – I didn’t see it coming, either)

New Definitions

Posted on August 10, 2010 by Judy Winter

>   These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
>
>
>   ADULT:
>   A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
>   BEAUTY PARLOR:
>   A place where women curl up and dye.
>
>   CANNIBAL:
>   Someone who is fed up with people.
>
>   CHICKENS:
>   The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
>
>   COMMITTEE:
>   A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
>
>   DUST:
>   Mud with the juice squeezed out.
>
>   EGOTIST:
>   Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
>
>   HANDKERCHIEF:
>   Cold Storage.
>
>   INFLATION:
>   Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
>
>   MOSQUITO:
>   An insect that makes you like flies better.
>
>   RAISIN:
>   Grape with a sunburn.
>
>   SECRET:
>   Something you tell to one person at a time.
>
>   SKELETON:
>   A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
>
>   TOOTHACHE:
>   The pain that drives you to extraction.
>
>   TOMORROW:
>   One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
>
>   YAWN:
>   An honest opinion openly expressed.
>
>
>   And MY Personal Favorite!!
>
>   WRINKLES:
>   Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Blind Cowboy

Posted on August 6, 2010 by Judy Winter

BLIND COWBOY
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:
       1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
       2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
       3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black

belt in karate.
4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

The Black Bra