Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in  Sweetwater  ,  Texas  , had a lot of potted plants.
During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one
of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife
saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room
naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake
under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About
that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the
floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up,
told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him
on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in
the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed
himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch..
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the
sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where
she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the
snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR
to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned
goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it
needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that
the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when
the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden
snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and
hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it
shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped
out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid
it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they
were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a
ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a
cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought
they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
P.S.  Its been a long time since I laughed that hard at an email......

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store.  As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few
shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
asked, "What are you selling’ here?" 
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We’re selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well…
only two left."
          Seniors — don’t mess with them!

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK…

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. Can of coffee A 1 lb.. Package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must be single.’  I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , ‘Yes you are correct .. But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, Cause you’re ugly.

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.  The robber shot the customer
without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.  Everyone else, by now very scared,
looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his
head down said,  ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’

A cowboy, 
who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and 
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, 
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, 
he comes back to the bar and orders three 
more.
The 
bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes 
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at 
a time."
The cowboy 
replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our 
home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember 
the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for 
each of my brothers and one for 
myself."
The 
bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.
The cowboy 
becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He 
orders three mugs and drinks them in 
turn.
One day, 
he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take 
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the 
second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on 
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your 
loss."
The cowboy 
looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes 
and he laughs.
"Oh, no, 
everybody’s just fine," he explains, "It’s just that my wife and 
I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit 
drinking."
"Hasn’t 
affected my brothers though."

Last  night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my  wife’s voice from the kitchen
"What would you  like for dinner my Love?… Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I  said, "Thank you, I’ll have chicken."
She replied  "You’re having soup, asshole. I was talking to the  cat."

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!

The Black Bra

    (as
    told by a woman)

I had lunch with
    2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one
    is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+
    years.
We were chatting about our
    relationships and decided to amaze our men by
    greeting them at
    the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
    eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to
    exchange notes..
Here’s how it
    all went.

My
    engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend
    came over he found me with a black leather
    bodice, tall
    stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of
    my dreams.  I love you.’ Then we made passionate
    love all night long.

The Mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at
    his office and I was wearing a
    raincoat, Under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes When
    I opened the raincoat he didn’t
    say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all
    night.

Then I had to share my
    story:

When my husband came home I was wearing
    the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my
    eyes.  When he came in the door and saw me he
    said,
(you are
    going to love this…..)

"What’s for
    dinner, Zorro?"

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best! Football FINALLY makes sense……… A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. ‘Oh, I really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.’ Dumbfounded, her date asked, ‘What do you mean ?’ ‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback ! Get the quarterback !’ I’m like….Helloooooo ! It’s only 25 cents….!!

Ole Fills IN A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. ‘Ole, I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.’ ‘Yes, sir!’ answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ‘So, Ole, How was your day?’ Ole told him that he took care of three patients. ‘The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.’ ‘Bravo, Mate, and the second one?’ asks the doctor. ‘The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,’ says Ole.. Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?’ asks the Doctor. ‘Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME – I haven’t Seen a man in over two years!! ‘Tunderin’ Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?’ asks the doctor.. I put drops in her eyes!! You all thought I was sending a dirty joke!!!!