A man walked into the local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, ‘Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.’ As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.’ The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, ‘I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?’ ‘Texas, sir,’ the boy replied. ‘Well, why did you leave Texas?’ the manager asked. The boy said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores andfootball players down there. ‘Really?’ asked the manager. ‘My wife is from Texas.’ ‘No shit!’ replied the boy. ‘Who’d she play for?’

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘George, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’ George says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’ ‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’ ‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

An elderly gentleman….. Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’ The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’

Solve  the mystery!!!

3  Ladies from
Minnesota


 
A detective  story 

So 
Pay  Close 
Attention!!!
…. 
Three  ladies are 
excited about  seeing 
their 
first  baseball  game… 
…. 
They 
smuggle  a bottle 
of



into 
the ball  park. 
…….

The 
game  is very 
exciting



and 
they  enjoy  themselves 
immensely…


mixing 
Jack  Daniel’s with  their soft 
drinks.
……..!  
Soon  they 
realize that the bottle is almost empty  and the 
game still has a lot of innings to  go. 
……. 
Based on the  given 
information, what inning is it and how  many 
players are on  base? 

Now 
think!


Think 
some  more!!

You’re 
gonna  love this…. 



!
Answ er: 
It’s 
the  bottom of the fifth, and  the 
bags 
are  loaded! 

Today’s word is…………….. Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one person in front of me, an Asian
woman who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She
asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two
hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it
change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian woman says, "Fluc you white people too"

A preacher said, "Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."  With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."  The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed.  He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don’t know.  It ain’t ’til next week.