Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t
mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the
deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news
and
bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’
Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?’
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable
friend…
Done my part!!!

>> A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is
>> ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I’d give anything to
>> sink this putt," the  golfer mumbles to himself. Just then,
>> a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be
>> willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
>>
>> Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be
>> meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so
>> he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
>>
>> Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure
>> would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger
>> is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth
>> giving up another fourth of your sex life? Shrugging, the
>> golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
>>
>> On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
>> Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves
>> to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving
>> up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer
>> replies, and he makes the eagle.
>>
>> As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger
>> walks alongside him and says, "I haven’t really been fair
>> with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the Devil, and
>> from this day forward you will have no sex life."
>>
>>
>> "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I’m Father
>> O’Malley."
>>

Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, ‘We need to inspect your farm
for a possible new road.’
The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t get out in that pasture over there.’
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, ‘I
have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this
card? I will go wherever I wish.’
So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn’t too much later when the
farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for
their lives and right behind was the farmer’s huge prize bull. The bull was
madder than a hornet’s nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at
every step.
The old farmer yelled out, ‘Show him your card, Smart Ass…. Show him your
card!!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was ‘Crazy’ and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, ‘What i n the name of good GOD are you doing?’
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out.’ Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.’
I jumped down and walked out of the office…
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ‘..And where do you think you’re going?!’

(You’re gonna lovethis….)

She said, ‘I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.

> 3-year-old Reese :
> ‘ Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
> Harold is His name.
> Amen. ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A little boy was overheard praying:
> ‘ Lord, if you can ‘ t make me a better boy, don ‘ t worry about it.
> I ‘ m having a real good time like I am.. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
> the way home in the back seat of the car.
> His father asked him three times what was wrong.
> Finally, the boy replied,
> ‘ That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and
> I wanted to stay with you guys. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> One particular four-year-old prayed,
> ‘ And forgive us our trash baskets
> as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
> church service, ‘ And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? ‘
> One bright little girl replied,
> ‘ Because people are sleeping. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
> The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
> Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
> ‘ If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘ Let my brother have the
> first pancake, I can wait. ‘
> Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ‘ Ryan , you be Jesus !
> ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
> ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
> seagull lay dead in the sand.
> ‘ Daddy, what happened to him? ‘ the sonasked..
> ‘ He died and went to Heaven, ‘ the Dad replied.
> The boy thought a moment and then said, ‘ Did God throw him back down?
> ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A wife invited some people to dinner.
> At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, ‘
> Would you like to say the blessing? ‘
> ‘ I wouldn ‘ t know what to say, ‘ the girl replied.
> ‘ Just say what you hear Mommy say, ‘ the wife answered..
> The daughter bowed her head and said,
> ‘ Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LIFE AFTER DEATH

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. 
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. 
"WELL, THAT EXPLAIN’S EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS SAID "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS’ HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." 
"WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON’T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN’S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN’S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG O F PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT’S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" 
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. 
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON’T PAY FOR ME DADDY I’M UNDER FIVE."
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER’S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." 
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. 
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL… HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. 
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I’M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON’T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" 
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED….. "I REMEMBER!!"
GRANDMA’S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. 
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." 
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

A successful rancher died and left everything to his  devoted  wife.
She   was a very good-looking woman and

determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. 
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay  and the other a drunk. 
She thought long and hard about it,

and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would  be better to have him around the house than the  drunk. 
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. 
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the  ranch was doing very well. 
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired  hand,

"You  have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You  should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. 
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. 
Two o’clock and no hired  hand. 
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for  him. 
She quietly called him over to  her.. 
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she  said. 
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my   boots." 
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my tights." 
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 
"Now take off my skirt." 
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the  floor. 
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired."

(P.S.   – I didn’t see it coming, either)

BLIND COWBOY
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"  
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

considering that you are blind,  that you should know five things:
       1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
       2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
       3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black

belt in karate.
       4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 
      5.   The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister.  Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

Jacob,  age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami are all excited about 
their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the 
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go 
in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the 
counter: 
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" 
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob:   "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist:  "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The 
      works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,  antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?"
Pharmacist:  "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and  indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell  wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and  sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist:   "Sure."
Jacob: "GREAT! We’d like to use this store as our Bridal   Registry."

Trivial Pursuit–Who Knew ??????????
>
>   We had a little party last night with several other couples.
>
>    We started playing a game, answering trivia questions similar to
>    Trivial Pursuit — and of course I joined in.
>
>  I was doing quite well, (clever as I am) easily being able to answer
>  most the questions.
>
>    I lost out on winning the game by one point.
>
>   The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
>
>    Apparently it’s Africa .