An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. 
He says to the waiter: 
 
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." 
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. 
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, 
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, 
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere 
And then just walks out. 
The next morning the Indian returns. 
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling 
Another male buffalo with the other. 
He walks up to the counter and says to 
The waiter 

"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! 
We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. 
What was all that about, anyway?" 
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
 
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, 
Leave mess for others to clean up, 
Disappear for rest of day.

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ”Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed. “Good,” she replied. “Get your own darn blanket!” After a moment of silence, he farted. The End

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this”. She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Two Blondes With Hammers… Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?’ Lynn explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.’ Judy got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ You might have to think twice about this one. A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her. ‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied. ‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’ ‘No, Silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’ ‘So then?’ asked the doctor. ‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’ ‘So then?’ ‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.’ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.’ ‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’ So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked? ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’ she replied.. Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’ The blond replied….. …’Two popsicles and some coffee.’ AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’ The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.’ The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.’ ‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.’ The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. ‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks. ‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!’

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland. The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’ The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’ The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’ The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?’ The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’ The first one says, ‘Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’ The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’ The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?’ The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’ The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self! About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’ Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’ Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists: 1.The season opened today 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks, and they woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, ‘I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.’ They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words… ‘I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.’ They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one (you knew it was coming), a blonde, is strapped in and says, ‘Well, I’m from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

This is for the over 50 generation (or not): I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space. That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag. The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud. I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-ul-ating”. You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me. To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.” PS I know some of you are not over 50; I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when
To keep their mouths shut

The North Carolina Department of Labor claimed a small Monroe, NC farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged worker.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

NCDL employee: That’s the guy I want to talk to…the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.