A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she said, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.” Her husband asked, “Is that you, or the wine talking?” She replied, “It’s me……… talking to the wine.”………
Category Archives: Jokes
BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF
BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for
dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all
my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man
asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?”
the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going
to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing
that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks
like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex.”
Nooner
A young ranch couple in Northern Nevada , Homer and Uvelda (who happened to be a little slow), got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to get to the home place and another half hour to get back to the fields, and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
“Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Uvelda’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”
They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor’s office.
“What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?”
“Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Uvelda’d come a-runnin’. We’d find us a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.”
“That’s wonderful, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc.
“I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started.”
The Farmer and the Old Lady
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested,
“Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand,
put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, “Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said,
“I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied,
“Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens….
Remember Hollywood Squares?
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Why I Am Now Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’
I thought…
Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word…
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said,
‘Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!’
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me…’
I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. :Let’s go!’
We went to lunch But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day… we don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?’
I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’
He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
“If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
And I just sat there….
On the couch…
Naked!
Ralph and Edna
Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t
mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the
deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news
and
bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’
Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?’
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable
friend…
Done my part!!!
Garden Snakes Can Be Dangerous
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her. P.S. Its been a long time since I laughed that hard at an email......
>> A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is
>> ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I’d give anything to
>> sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then,
>> a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be
>> willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
>>
>> Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be
>> meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so
>> he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
>>
>> Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure
>> would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger
>> is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth
>> giving up another fourth of your sex life? Shrugging, the
>> golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
>>
>> On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
>> Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves
>> to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving
>> up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer
>> replies, and he makes the eagle.
>>
>> As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger
>> walks alongside him and says, "I haven’t really been fair
>> with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the Devil, and
>> from this day forward you will have no sex life."
>>
>>
>> "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I’m Father
>> O’Malley."
>>
Texas Bank Robber
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer
without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared,
looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his
head down said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’