Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, ‘We need to inspect your farm
for a possible new road.’
The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t get out in that pasture over there.’
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, ‘I
have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this
card? I will go wherever I wish.’
So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn’t too much later when the
farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for
their lives and right behind was the farmer’s huge prize bull. The bull was
madder than a hornet’s nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at
every step.
The old farmer yelled out, ‘Show him your card, Smart Ass…. Show him your
card!!
Category Archives: Jokes
Baptist Cowboy
A cowboy,
who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them,
he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.
The
bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at
a time."
The cowboy
replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our
home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for
each of my brothers and one for
myself."
The
bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.
The cowboy
becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three mugs and drinks them in
turn.
One day,
he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
loss."
The cowboy
looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes
and he laughs.
"Oh, no,
everybody’s just fine," he explains, "It’s just that my wife and
I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit
drinking."
"Hasn’t
affected my brothers though."
When Love Fades
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen
"What would you like for dinner my Love?… Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I’ll have chicken."
She replied "You’re having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
KIDS IN CHURCH
> 3-year-old Reese :
> ‘ Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
> Harold is His name.
> Amen. ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A little boy was overheard praying:
> ‘ Lord, if you can ‘ t make me a better boy, don ‘ t worry about it.
> I ‘ m having a real good time like I am.. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
> the way home in the back seat of the car.
> His father asked him three times what was wrong.
> Finally, the boy replied,
> ‘ That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and
> I wanted to stay with you guys. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> One particular four-year-old prayed,
> ‘ And forgive us our trash baskets
> as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
> church service, ‘ And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? ‘
> One bright little girl replied,
> ‘ Because people are sleeping. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
> The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
> Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
> ‘ If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘ Let my brother have the
> first pancake, I can wait. ‘
> Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ‘ Ryan , you be Jesus !
> ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
> ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
> seagull lay dead in the sand.
> ‘ Daddy, what happened to him? ‘ the sonasked..
> ‘ He died and went to Heaven, ‘ the Dad replied.
> The boy thought a moment and then said, ‘ Did God throw him back down?
> ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A wife invited some people to dinner.
> At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, ‘
> Would you like to say the blessing? ‘
> ‘ I wouldn ‘ t know what to say, ‘ the girl replied.
> ‘ Just say what you hear Mommy say, ‘ the wife answered..
> The daughter bowed her head and said,
> ‘ Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don’t Mess with Old People
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!
Today’s Jokes
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THAT EXPLAIN’S EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS SAID "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS’ HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON’T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN’S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN’S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG O F PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT’S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON’T PAY FOR ME DADDY I’M UNDER FIVE."
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER’S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL… HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I’M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON’T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED….. "I REMEMBER!!"
GRANDMA’S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
The Rancher’s Wife
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be better to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.
Two o’clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my tights."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired."
(P.S. – I didn’t see it coming, either)
The Black Bra
The Black Bra
(as
told by a woman)
I had lunch with
2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one
is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+
years.
We were chatting about our
relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at
the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to
exchange notes..
Here’s how it
all went.
My
engaged friend:The other night when my boyfriend
came over he found me with a black leather
bodice, tall
stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of
my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate
love all night long.
The Mistress:Me too! The other night I met my lover at
his office and I was wearing a
raincoat, Under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes When
I opened the raincoat he didn’t
say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all
night.
Then I had to share my
story:When my husband came home I was wearing
the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my
eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he
said,
(you are
going to love this…..)"What’s for
dinner, Zorro?"
Senior Marriage
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami are all excited about
their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go
in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the
counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The
works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "GREAT! We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Trivial Pursuit…..Who Knew?
Trivial Pursuit–Who Knew ??????????
>
> We had a little party last night with several other couples.
>
> We started playing a game, answering trivia questions similar to
> Trivial Pursuit — and of course I joined in.
>
> I was doing quite well, (clever as I am) easily being able to answer
> most the questions.
>
> I lost out on winning the game by one point.
>
> The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
>
> Apparently it’s Africa .