On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when
To keep their mouths shut

The North Carolina Department of Labor claimed a small Monroe, NC farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged worker.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

NCDL employee: That’s the guy I want to talk to…the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.

>
>  Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
>  thinking, surely I can’t look that old.
>
>  Well . . . You’ll love this one.
>
>  My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
>  appointment with a new dentist.
>
>  I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
>  Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
>  name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
>
>  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
>
>  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
>
>  This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too
>  old to have been my classmate.
>
>  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park
>  High School .
>
>  "Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
>
>  "When did you graduate?" I asked.
>
>  He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"
>
>  "You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
>
>  He looked at me closely.
>
>  Then, that ugly,
>
>  old,
>
>  bald,
>
>  wrinkled faced,
>
>  fat-assed,
>
>  gray-haired,
>
>  decrepit
>
>  son-of-a-bitch
>
>  asked,
>
>
>  "What did you teach???"

I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything,

but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.  When you notice this, try not to yell at them.  Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.  When I retired a few  years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.  Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.  I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don’t yell at her.  Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the  table.  I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.  I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves.  I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining.  I  think.   For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.  But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three  days.  That way she won’t have to rush so much.  I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any — if you know what I mean.  I like to think tact is one of my  strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.  I try not to make a scene.  I’m a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she  may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri.  I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible!  Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.  However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will  consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a  perforated rectum.  The police report says he was found with a  Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a  sledge hammer laying nearby.  His wife, Terri, was arrested and  charged with murder.  The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s
only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … walked home . . .and left it there all night.