The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists: 1.The season opened today 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks, and they woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, ‘I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.’ They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words… ‘I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.’ They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one (you knew it was coming), a blonde, is strapped in and says, ‘Well, I’m from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

This is for the over 50 generation (or not): I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space. That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag. The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud. I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-ul-ating”. You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me. To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.” PS I know some of you are not over 50; I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when
To keep their mouths shut

The North Carolina Department of Labor claimed a small Monroe, NC farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged worker.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

NCDL employee: That’s the guy I want to talk to…the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.

>
>  Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
>  thinking, surely I can’t look that old.
>
>  Well . . . You’ll love this one.
>
>  My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
>  appointment with a new dentist.
>
>  I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
>  Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
>  name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
>
>  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
>
>  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
>
>  This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too
>  old to have been my classmate.
>
>  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park
>  High School .
>
>  "Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
>
>  "When did you graduate?" I asked.
>
>  He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"
>
>  "You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
>
>  He looked at me closely.
>
>  Then, that ugly,
>
>  old,
>
>  bald,
>
>  wrinkled faced,
>
>  fat-assed,
>
>  gray-haired,
>
>  decrepit
>
>  son-of-a-bitch
>
>  asked,
>
>
>  "What did you teach???"

I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything,

but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.  When you notice this, try not to yell at them.  Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.  When I retired a few  years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.  Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.  I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don’t yell at her.  Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the  table.  I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.  I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves.  I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining.  I  think.   For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.  But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three  days.  That way she won’t have to rush so much.  I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any — if you know what I mean.  I like to think tact is one of my  strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.  I try not to make a scene.  I’m a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she  may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri.  I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible!  Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.  However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will  consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a  perforated rectum.  The police report says he was found with a  Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a  sledge hammer laying nearby.  His wife, Terri, was arrested and  charged with murder.  The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s
only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … walked home . . .and left it there all night.