Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t
mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the
deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news
and
bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’
Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?’
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable
friend…
Done my part!!!

>> A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is
>> ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I’d give anything to
>> sink this putt," the  golfer mumbles to himself. Just then,
>> a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be
>> willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
>>
>> Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be
>> meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so
>> he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
>>
>> Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure
>> would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger
>> is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth
>> giving up another fourth of your sex life? Shrugging, the
>> golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
>>
>> On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
>> Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves
>> to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving
>> up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer
>> replies, and he makes the eagle.
>>
>> As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger
>> walks alongside him and says, "I haven’t really been fair
>> with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the Devil, and
>> from this day forward you will have no sex life."
>>
>>
>> "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I’m Father
>> O’Malley."
>>

Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, ‘We need to inspect your farm
for a possible new road.’
The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t get out in that pasture over there.’
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, ‘I
have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this
card? I will go wherever I wish.’
So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn’t too much later when the
farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for
their lives and right behind was the farmer’s huge prize bull. The bull was
madder than a hornet’s nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at
every step.
The old farmer yelled out, ‘Show him your card, Smart Ass…. Show him your
card!!

> 3-year-old Reese :
> ‘ Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
> Harold is His name.
> Amen. ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A little boy was overheard praying:
> ‘ Lord, if you can ‘ t make me a better boy, don ‘ t worry about it.
> I ‘ m having a real good time like I am.. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
> the way home in the back seat of the car.
> His father asked him three times what was wrong.
> Finally, the boy replied,
> ‘ That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and
> I wanted to stay with you guys. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> One particular four-year-old prayed,
> ‘ And forgive us our trash baskets
> as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
> church service, ‘ And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? ‘
> One bright little girl replied,
> ‘ Because people are sleeping. ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
> The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
> Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
> ‘ If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘ Let my brother have the
> first pancake, I can wait. ‘
> Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ‘ Ryan , you be Jesus !
> ‘
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
> ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
> seagull lay dead in the sand.
> ‘ Daddy, what happened to him? ‘ the sonasked..
> ‘ He died and went to Heaven, ‘ the Dad replied.
> The boy thought a moment and then said, ‘ Did God throw him back down?
> ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A wife invited some people to dinner.
> At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, ‘
> Would you like to say the blessing? ‘
> ‘ I wouldn ‘ t know what to say, ‘ the girl replied.
> ‘ Just say what you hear Mommy say, ‘ the wife answered..
> The daughter bowed her head and said,
> ‘ Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? ‘
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LIFE AFTER DEATH

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. 
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. 
"WELL, THAT EXPLAIN’S EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS SAID "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS’ HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." 
"WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON’T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN’S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN’S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG O F PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT’S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" 
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. 
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON’T PAY FOR ME DADDY I’M UNDER FIVE."
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER’S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." 
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. 
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL… HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. 
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I’M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON’T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" 
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED….. "I REMEMBER!!"
GRANDMA’S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. 
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." 
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

A successful rancher died and left everything to his  devoted  wife.
She   was a very good-looking woman and

determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. 
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay  and the other a drunk. 
She thought long and hard about it,

and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would  be better to have him around the house than the  drunk. 
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. 
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the  ranch was doing very well. 
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired  hand,

"You  have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You  should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. 
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. 
Two o’clock and no hired  hand. 
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for  him. 
She quietly called him over to  her.. 
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she  said. 
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my   boots." 
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my tights." 
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 
"Now take off my skirt." 
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the  floor. 
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired."

(P.S.   – I didn’t see it coming, either)

Jacob,  age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami are all excited about 
their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the 
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go 
in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the 
counter: 
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" 
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob:   "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist:  "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The 
      works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,  antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?"
Pharmacist:  "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and  indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell  wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and  sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist:   "Sure."
Jacob: "GREAT! We’d like to use this store as our Bridal   Registry."

Trivial Pursuit–Who Knew ??????????
>
>   We had a little party last night with several other couples.
>
>    We started playing a game, answering trivia questions similar to
>    Trivial Pursuit — and of course I joined in.
>
>  I was doing quite well, (clever as I am) easily being able to answer
>  most the questions.
>
>    I lost out on winning the game by one point.
>
>   The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
>
>    Apparently it’s Africa .

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. 
He says to the waiter: 
 
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." 
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. 
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, 
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, 
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere 
And then just walks out. 
The next morning the Indian returns. 
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling 
Another male buffalo with the other. 
He walks up to the counter and says to 
The waiter 

"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! 
We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. 
What was all that about, anyway?" 
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
 
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, 
Leave mess for others to clean up, 
Disappear for rest of day.

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this”. She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Two Blondes With Hammers… Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?’ Lynn explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.’ Judy got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ You might have to think twice about this one. A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her. ‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied. ‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’ ‘No, Silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’ ‘So then?’ asked the doctor. ‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’ ‘So then?’ ‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.’ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.’ ‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’ So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked? ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’ she replied.. Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’ The blond replied….. …’Two popsicles and some coffee.’ AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’ The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.’ The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.’ ‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.’ The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. ‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks. ‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!’